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i need an academic advisor
which program should i complete
should i go for that masters in OT
or is ok to get my certificate in assistive technology

& then after that's all sorted
i need someone to figure out how i can get the funding
to continue this education
& still survive financially

I'm overwhelmed

it all seems hopeless
impossible even

i'm going to go smoke
I've been blaming him for ruining my life a lot lately
he's not solely responsible
but i don't dare share that
with him

i don't blame you

that pinch of guilt hits
& i cringe every time.

i'm laughing without humor
at skeletons i'm afraid to touch.

i'm peering around corners
i'm never seen.

i'm kissing him
avoiding the sharp tongues of those who claim to love me.

i'm hoping for tomorrows that don't yet exist.

Just to pretend we are in love again

forgive me.

for i
have sinned

& like you
i'm not sure
i'm sorry…

but i'd
like to be
just the same.

Jun. 28th, 2014

“You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.” ~ Courtney A. Walsh

my sensible heart

i keep starting
& stopping

I've just been avoiding

ya know, writing.
my thoughts & how i've been feeling
knowing that
deep down

it's so broken
it's probably over.

i don't know where to start
or where i left off
or how many times i've started to write


at least five times today
a dozen maybe this week
& countless times in the last

a year of tears.
a year of struggle

& then
a few weeks ago
i stopped caring
as much.

maybe I've just given up
because he's worn me down that far
because he's pushed me to my limit
because it's so evident he doesn't give a fuck
& now, it's because
because i may have met someone else.
My life is insane


& ridiculous
Just enough
To keep me


Cause And Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
-Charles Bukowski

Feb. 17th, 2014

And we sing this morning
that wonderful and grand old message.
I don't know about you but I never get tired of it
Number 99: Just As I Am.

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows it's face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

[Child Speaking:]
I don't wanna be,
He wasn't finding anybody when he was on the shelf
I saw him in my dream

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on and on.

Well if we take all these things
and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds,
to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right,
it'd be easier that way.
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time
to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right,
it'd be easier that way.